pin_a_color_pada

what kind of me so unlikely for others?

where am i wrong?

my kindness? my simpleness? my foolishness?

why, when others were able to find a relationship full of trust, understanding and support, i can’t find a person who will worry about me at least a little as much as i about him?

it's my wrong actions or my wrong view of relationships?

it's not jealousy, no. i know how it is matter to be truelly happy for friends when they are doing well.

i just can't understand what i'm doing wrong.

"this is how all people communicate" - said me one girl.

but i'm sure that with other they don't speak only once every few days. 

i saw ite every time when we were together with her, with others

but why for me they could every time just ask one question again and again? of course, because they ask me anything so rarely. but why so rarely?

am i not so good or important person? no one carry me from my childhood. 

every time i heard just "you should do this" or "you should learn this by yourself". 

in the end, i can't rightly communicate with people or my "view" about "relationships" are 100% different. 

how?

why?

what does it mean?

i will never find person who wants to be my friend?

real close friend. not just for some time

when we live together

or study together 

or something else.

i think it was really hurtful moment 

when i was sick a lot

and no one

just no one carry of me.

i think i was shocked and sicked more cuz of this

thanks God, only one person always remember me

remember me but still couldn't be close to me.

she is trying, i know, and i'm very thankful to her.

but she is just remembering only from time to time to be honest.

she is trying, more than others...

but...

i should not want more than i deserve, right?

so it means that i don't deserve better. 

close person

who will carry me.

who will be interested in me.

who will respect me and want to understand me.

i just should stop to find this person.

and just stop to understand reasons why i can't. 

i should pin life without color.

cuz it's all what i deserve, probably.